Finding Strength In Fragility
“I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I don’t think I am strong enough to stay I just want to leave my body”.
I could feel the depth and immensity of the terror that was swirling and racing through my pelvis and root and sacral chakras. As this terror began to enmesh with heavy grief, it felt extremely overwhelming. I wanted to run away. I could feel my spirit trying to escape through an exit door in my heart to rush out and away from this emotional maelstrom. That moment was one of the hardest things I have experienced - to make myself stay within my body and not “leave” through my heart chakra.
I have been experiencing a difficult emotional time in my life that has been bringing up anger, deep seated grief, a longing to fix things that are out of my control, fear of the unknown and a terror that I will not survive this and my heart will surely shatter into a million pieces.
I was due for another crystal healing session yesterday and it could not have come at a better time. I have been feeling burned out, exhausted, depleted and pushed to my limits after several hectic and sometimes stressful weeks of going non-stop. I thought I was feeling the effects of a sudden increase in my work load and helping my parents move. However I soon learned it was much deeper than that. Upon getting on the healing table and beginning the session, we found that my body was very misaligned laying twisted and curved in a way that I realized I was not fully present in my body I was only halfway in. Stress in our lives has a way of doing this and sometimes we are too close to it to even see it ourselves which is why we need the healing and support of others.
My healer guided me to come back into my physical being by focusing on the parts of my body that made contact with the table from the backs of my heels, my calves, my thighs to my pelvis and to feel where my skin made contact with my jeans and her hands on my feet. I slowly began to feel more grounded, feeling myself sinking into my spine and tailbone, repeating “I have a place here” which are the words that help to anchor my spirit. I then felt a rush of my energy come flying back in through the right side of my body.
After several minutes once I felt more settled in my physicality again is when the terror and grief came rushing to surface like waves crashing on the rocks of my inner landscape. The grief brought tears and the terror brought full body trembling as the energy was finally free to move and expand after being held frozen for several weeks. My healer continued to help me breathe through the intensity of these emotions, helping to create safety and comfort within myself because in reality, it is safer to hold myself in love within my body than it is to “leave” and be outside of myself even as difficult as it feels to stay.
She helped me realize I need to mother myself and hold that younger little girl within me that was shaking in fear and wants to cry forever. Just hold her. Hold her in my own love, my own unique light. In this life the most important connection you have is to yourself. Hold yourself in love and safety and mother yourself and even when it feels extremely painful and that you cannot take it anymore, hold yourself in love even more. Breathe deeply into the emotions and they will move as energy is always in motion it is never stagnant. I had a moment I didn’t think I could sit with the terror and grief any longer but with my healers help I continued to feel where my body made contact with the table, with my clothes, with her hands. I felt the skin on the front of my chest and I felt safe, I chose strength. In that healing I learned that there is strength in being with my fragile parts inside.
When highly charged emotions that have been repressed either consciously or unconsciously begin to surface it is terrifying and you can feel like you are drowning in them and you are becoming these emotions. This doesn’t have to happen. Objectifying the situation helps you to come back to yourself and not get washed away in the flood of feelings. Objectifying doesn’t mean you aren’t accepting or ignoring the emotions but instead you replace those feelings with Truth. For example, “I am safe within myself”, “I love myself”, “Susie (a person you might be having an emotional conflict with) is on her own healing path and I am on mine” “Even if I do not agree with their choices it is their lesson their soul is here to learn” “I am feeling XYZ emotion, I feel it, I acknowledge it, I see it, I thank it for showing me what I need to look at, to learn and to heal, I breathe into it and I now release it”. Coming back to the bigger picture helps to keep you from going down the dark rabbit hole that we can all fall into sometimes.
Come back to yourself. Know that above anything else you have yourself. It takes courage to sit with these intense emotions but there is such incredible, beautiful strength in being with the fragile pieces inside of us. Society has brainwashed us into thinking it is weak to show emotion or to feel it so deeply but it is actually the opposite. Not looking at or healing these deep seated emotions we all have within is the weaker path because when we do not take responsibility for our healing and owning that fragility we cannot grow and it keeps us from becoming who we are truly meant to be. We begin to feel stuck, stagnant, unhappy, unfulfilled and depressed and physical disease, addiction problems and constantly seeking approval and love from the outer world becomes the norm.
We have all been there though, distracting ourselves from feeling that pain in whatever means possible. But I want you to know that having gone through it myself, you too have the strength to do it. Even though my profession is a healer, in these moments when I am receiving healing work myself I feel just as scared, extremely vulnerable and fragile as everyone else. Doing this healing work personally helps me to help all of you on your journeys because I know exactly what the process feels like. Yes it might be different emotional wounds we are healing but the foundation of the experience is the same.
So you can do this. You owe it to yourself to listen to the cues your body is giving you. Disease and emotions are information that our soul is trying to bring our attention to. Listen to it. There is strength in holding and being with these fragile parts. Mother yourself. Love yourself and all that you have gone through that has brought you to this very moment. I am here with you. Be with the younger parts of you that are calling out for your love, your attention, your awareness and your healing. Hold that 10 year old within you that is hurting. Hold yourself in love. Love yourself. You always have yourself in every moment of everyday in every situation. You have the strength.