I Have A Place Here
I recently received a crystal healing from my crystal healer and mentor Karen Kuk-Nagle of Hands of Spirit and the words "I have a place here" came to me during the healing. It wasn’t until my meditation several days later that these five words sank into the core of my being and I felt the immensity of this statement.
I now realize that when I was coming into this incarnation I changed my mind and wanted to “abort the plan” as I was ten days past my due date. I was induced at birth and what followed was a very traumatic birth for both my mom and I. I was vacuumed out (talk about traumatic forcing a soul to come out when I wasn’t ready) and once I was delivered my mom was in awful shape so they whisked her away and I was left alone without her at that crucial moment of bonding. Even a necessary disconnection like this to take care of my mom can be very traumatic from the perspective of our newly born selves as all we know is “My mom isn’t here, where is she?” “I’ve been abandoned.” This caused an existential terror to grip my soul and a paralyzing fear of the right to exist.
This traumatic birth created what energy healer Barbara Ann Brennan calls an “energetic defense” and my defense resulted in automatically drawing a part of myself back into the spirit world from which my soul came. This energetic defense unconsciously became second nature to me and I used it anytime I felt threatened.
This became one of the biggest challenges in my life: feeling safe enough to be here both in this physical body and physical reality and feel that I am worthy enough to be here and to take up space. Growing up I always felt ungrounded and disconnected, like a boat without an anchor that never gets the chance to rest in the safety of the harbor to refuel before heading out on another voyage. I felt that my spirit only dipped a toe into my physicality leaving the rest of my energy floating outside of my body unable to feel safe enough to fully settle in. This led to frequent illness and I often found myself “checking out” and leaving my body to mentally retreat to the spirit world, only coming back when my mom would ask, “Did you leave again?” when she saw that blank look in my eyes she came to recognize so well.
I have experienced a lot of deep personal growth and healing around this emotional wound in recent years which has helped me find the courage to cross the threshold and slowly begin to settle into my body and this physical incarnation more and more. I feel that all of this inner work has led me to this point, has prepared me for these five words. Up until now I would not have been ready to receive this message but now the words “I have a place here” is the validation my soul has been needing to hear, know, feel and accept with every fiber of my being. Everything rests upon these words. These words are Truth. There is no doubting it. Feeling safe enough to exist gives me the courage and strength to continue to heal the other parts of me. These words give me a solid foundation to not only build the rest of my life upon but to continue on my journey of self-healing and growth.
When I realized the power of these words during meditation I was deeply moved, with tears of comfort and validation and a sense of relief that I can finally fully 100% BE HERE and dig my energetic roots into the Earth because it’s exhausting living only partly grounded in physicality and feeling a constant split within your spirit. Now I feel a true sense of belonging for the first time in my life and a sense of wholeness that is new to me. I carry myself differently finally standing up tall with confidence and self-assurance. I feel that I deserve to take up space here I do not cower and make myself small anymore. I rarely find myself “checking out” and instead I am inspired and in awe of my physical incarnation and all of the beauty, magic and wisdom it shows me. Being in nature is more nourishing to me as I see that I am a part of the whole and each part holds its own unique importance in creating the whole. My boat finally has an anchor.
These five words are one of the missing puzzle pieces on my healing journey. I feel for the first time it is safe for my whole essence to be here and live from it every moment of every day empowered and thriving. I look outside my window and feel these words knowing that I have a place among every tree, rock, hummingbird and living being on this planet. There is a space just for me within the crystalline grid of the Earth.
If any part of my journey resonates with you I want you to know that you too have a place here. Your soul has a place here with Mother Earth and in this physical reality. You are safe. You are worthy and deserving to take up space and do so with your whole essence radiating brilliantly. The world needs your unique vibrational signature, the whole is not complete without the vital role you play. You have a place here.