We have all heard this phrase at one time or another in our lives and we think "oh OK yes that makes sense". Even though we think we are loving ourselves, are we really?
I myself am guilty of this and some experiences have made me realize I have not truly been showing up for myself and loving myself - all the parts - as much as I could be. In our relationships, whether it be with friends, family or significant others it is easy to find ourselves giving more love and energy than we give ourselves, therefore focusing everything we have on the other and somewhat losing connection with ourselves in the process.
Some relationships in my life have been more difficult lately due to the stresses of life and as a result a distancing and disconnection has been taking place on both sides. I have found myself putting all of my eggs in their basket and if I am not receiving what I need, I feel undernourished on every level which leaves me feeling frustrated, drained, resentful and that I am not good enough. When this happens I begin to shut down even more, being so triggered that I see the world in black and white as if saying, "If I am not getting what I need then I am not going to give you anything either.”
It was only during an Epsom salt bath the other night that my prickly frustrations and emotions softened and through a stream of tears I realized how painful it was to close off my heart to those I love. I saw what looked like a thick, heavy metal door slowly sliding shut over my heart and the pain of closing off my heart space ultimately made me feel like I was shattering into a million tiny pieces. It felt so against my nature to close off my heart and withhold the beautiful love I hold in this sacred space. It was in that moment I realized there is an area in between the black and white. A place of stillness where you can step back and look at the bigger picture and see that you can still give to others without losing yourself in the process.
I began to feel a shift occur where the usual 99% of my energy I send out to others changed to 70% going out but then making a U-turn and looping back into my own heart, leaving 30% still flowing out to the outside world. This shift was profound as I saw that right now I need to send myself the most love in order to live from a place of openness, understanding and balance while still allowing about 30% to flow out and embrace those I hold dear in my life.
Through the sobs I immediately began saying "I love you" out loud to myself and my body, holding my inner child in a warm loving embrace in my heart. This is what it felt like to love myself so fiercely and completely, a sensation that I hadn't experienced in my life until that moment. I knew that moving forward I could relate to others in a different yet healthier way when I was able to fulfill my own need for being loved and nourished and not completely rely upon another person.
This piece of my healing journey continued during my healing session several days later where we were able to find the thread of what this deep pain of disconnection was rooted in. My healer was able to help me see that there is an innocence and naive-ness that comes when we incarnate from a higher consciousness. When we incarnate, we hold the belief that "If I give love I will receive love, if I am love I will get love" - this is the status quo. However, when we come to incarnate on Earth, we learn that the rules are different here and that equal, natural, automatic giving and receiving of love is not commonplace. Yet we keep on giving all the love we have until it hurts. This manifests as a pain of not feeling loved. This pain can root even deeper into a belief that "then I must not be with the Divine".
This was a deeply profound realization of a belief that I was not even aware I have been holding my entire life. Yet it was not until recently in several personal relationships that the disconnection from the flow of this effortless energy of love fiercely triggered deep-seated pain and grief as my belief was being shattered.
I am still integrating the acknowledgement of this huge piece of my healing puzzle. I can feel not only my emotional and energetic bodies shifting and re-arranging themselves around this new piece of conscious information but I can feel my physical body adjusting as well. It's like this new information is a new couch and my soul is trying to figure out how to rearrange the living room in my heart space to accommodate this new addition to fit comfortably. I am learning to nestle into my heart and let my essence radiate out from the center of my being to fill up my whole body and feeling into its fullness and sweetness.
Even though many of us do not want to feel or even acknowledge the pain we are holding, releasing these difficult emotions is what allows us to be able to unleash the creative potential within us to create the life we want. Through feeling is how consciousness grows. Even through this painful experience of disconnection, I was able to let myself feel, see and acknowledge this pain. To breathe through it and allow it to move, shift and release ~ as difficult as it was. I could step back and see what this experience was teaching me and that I truly do have to love myself first in every moment.
Sometimes when you feel like you are bottoming out in those dark moments these beautiful shifts can happen amidst the gut wrenching pain and uncontrollable sobs. There truly is beauty in the pain.
If my story resonates with any of you out there, just know I am here with you and I can help you. We are all remembering and learning to what it means to love ourselves first and as difficult and painful as it might be ~ it is worth it. Only when we allow our own beautiful, nourishing, radiant love to fill up our own being can we then connect with others and the world around us with a full, open and compassionate heart.